Editors Note: B is taking some time off from destroying Libtards on Thomas Ricks blog to vent on a topic few men will dare touch. At the Foriegn Policy blog he’s been coming up with stuff like this:
Personally, I am glad that while I had to worry about leaders who were more worried about their careers and image than the mission or my men, I never had to deal with leaders who wanted to bone me.
The entire thread is in the comment section of this post and it is hysterical. Now he’s helping me out with another article (with pictures this time) so I’m kicking my next piece back a few days to let him rip. Enjoy and a Happy New Year to you all.
What everyone knows, but no one will say, is that on one very basic level, war is super fun. Back in the day, when the Roman Empire had no existential threats, they had to come up with something to keep the idiots entertained. So they got a bunch of young guys together and had them fight in the arenas. They’d have all kinds of fun variations-a guy with a net and a trident fighting another guy with a shield and a sword, two guys tied leg-to-leg fighting two guys tied arm-to-arm, team vs. team, barbarian slaves, midgets, and animals, whatever.
The idiots loved it, the women went wild, the profits went through the roof! An arena in every city! Whole industries existed to support the sport-arms manufacturers, bookies, trainers, sports doctors, caterers, promoters…The gladiators? Well, I’m sure the ones who were bad at it didn’t last long enough to matter, and the good ones loved it, like any pro athlete loves his sport. It beat working in a salt mine in all kinds of ways.
Americans haven’t had any existential threats to worry about since the West was won. Even in WW2, the most plausible scenario our leadership could muster for a German attack on the mainland was that once the Wehrmacht got done with Russia and England, they’d land in Brazil and march 10,000 miles to the Rio Grande. Not very impressive. We’re higher primates, super-chimps evolved in an environment of constant danger, and now that’s all been taken away from us. We live in unprecedented safety. Between our cubicles, our commute and our couch, we are BORED.
Fortunately, the idiot entertainment industry has come a long way since then. Our gladiators wear ACUs and MARPAT and fight barbarians in their own cities, deserts and mountains. Their arenas are whole countries on the other side of the world. You don’t have to crowd into a smelly Coliseum with half a million other retards-you can get your entertainment broadcast onto your plasma screen. CNN, Fox News, movies, video games-they all feed off the new gladiatorial arena. Depending on how much juice you have, you can get varying degrees of input into what’s going on-go on a junket to Kabul or Baghdad, fly around in helicopters, have senior gladiators give you personal presentations, write sage articles and papers and see your recommendations implemented. Now THAT’S audience participation!
There are giant industries built on the sport. Everything from weapons to tourniquets sells better when the games are on. The giant FOB cities in the desert, the food and fuel, the armored vehicles (a new model every year)-all for the arena. Millions in revenue on bumper stickers alone! And let’s not forget the money waiting to be made in medical care. When a guy comes home from the arena, hundreds of hours of physical and mental care can be billed to Tricare or the VA over the next 40-60 years. Talk about job security.
Is your taste more refined, more feminine? Do you like less bloody, more heartwarming entertainment? Not to worry. Just like the Romans had musical intermissions with dancing clowns in their Coliseums, we have NGOs and other governmental agencies doing all kinds of feel-good stuff in our arenas. Teaching little girls to read, digging wells, whatever it takes to get you that warm and fuzzy glow. Sometimes, even the gladiators will put down their nets and tridents for a minute and pitch in! Awwww.
Human nature being what it is, even watching your team kicking barbarian ass gets boring after a while. That’s why the backers are always ready to oblige with some social experimentation, the modern-day equivalent of the arena handicap. Female gladiators, flamboyantly gay gladiators, reflective belts, restrictive ROEs, anything to break up the monotony and even up the odds a bit.
Nobody wants a party to end too soon, not with the arena booked and the money rolling in. This week, Bronze Age tribesmen with AKs vs. gladiators with JDAMs! Next week, watch as our heroes get split into small teams and embedded with barbarian auxiliaries!
What about the gladiators? Well, they’ve got a whole society to shower them with warm approval. It takes a rare kind of commie to say he doesn’t support the troops. War is, on some level, fun. Once you get to a certain level, the training is fun, too-anybody who has ever spent a day pinging .308 match grade ammo off steel E-types from 600-800 meters away knows what I mean. Of course, the possibility of watching your guts spill out on the arena floor or ending up in a one leg, two leg, three leg, four scenario is always there, but it’s the nature of the game, and odds are pretty good you’ll come out of it OK. While you’re in, you get to serve with good guys, crazy and brave enough to play the game, and that camaraderie means a lot. On balance, it’s much better than being stuck in cubicle hell at Initech.
Once you’ve done your time in the arena, you can move up to senior management, and stack paper while being lauded by those who haven’t been there and done that. Even if you just get out after a couple of years as a lowly no-name, a bumper sticker or a hat pin ensures a “thank you for your service” and the occasional free beer. They’ll make movies about you, and invite you to the screening. Chicks will be impressed when you throw out your service on a date. And if all of that stuff doesn’t float your boat and you’ve got a hollow feeling-there must be something wrong with you. So, the next time someone thanks you for your service, thank them for watching and tell them to tune in same time next week!